4 years has passed

We sent the kids off to Camp Colman on Sunday. A week away from Mom and Dad, a week long break FOR Mom and Dad. It was needed...everyone needs to reset once in a while. Plus they both love going to camp, as much as they gripe and get anxious right before they leave. I miss them, but not enough to NOT send them. I love that they get this experience, it is character building and gives them a sense of independence that is sometimes hard to give at home. 

As I was blissfully enjoying the QUIET of no iPad movies or Destiny wars going on this morning, I sat down to my computer to check emails and get to work. I clicked on Facebook to see what has happened in the last 18 hours and saw a memory. Usually memories are fond and fun. The other day was a photo of Gillian from Cape Cod 9 years ago. Our smiley little blond sprite throwing her hands in the air...such a cute photo. Sometimes they make me a little sad because in that example I will never see THAT version of her anymore, but mostly they make me smile and feel warm with memories. Today's memory was this:

Conversation between Seth and Alistair while waiting: "So when I have metal in my chest, I won't be able to get x-rays anymore?" "Well, cannibals will have to slow cook you instead of microwave you, but you can still have x-rays." Laughter ensued.

This was while we were getting the pre-surgery work-up stuff done 2 days before Alistair's surgery. Now, this is a typical conversation between Seth and Alistair...absurdity and humor to answer a question. In and of itself, it is funny. But then it dawned on me what the date was and why he was asking and my heart sunk. 4 years out and the memory of the whole experience hits me like a wall of bricks and shakes me to my core. Oh how I wish we could go back to that day and say, "let's wait!!" I don't know if it would have made a difference. We could have had the same results a year later. But we don't know and never will. Everything just comes flooding back and I feel like I want to vomit. All the waiting and unknowns, the helplessness and the anger, the crying and the stress. Oh the stress! They say time heals all wounds...there has not been enough time. I briefly glanced at some of the blog posts and I remember everything vividly. You think you are over something, but it is amazing how quickly a couple of sentences can send it all rocketing forward and slamming it into the back of your head as if you just slammed on the brakes in your car and everything in your backseat flies into the front. 

I am not here to dredge up the past. I really want to celebrate the fact that we are 4 years out and Alistair is off at camp for a week after having another full season of lacrosse, dropped his para midway through his 7th grade year of school, finished another year (his final one) of playing the trombone and continues to heal and improve from all he experienced 4 years ago. He is one cool kid who is fiercely independent, kind and sweet, polite and sympathetic, funny and smart and passionate about life. We are so lucky to have him and call him ours.

I am not sure I will ever fully recover. Maybe one day the ache in my heart will be less, but the memories of that time in our lives are still pretty raw. As world renowned as the Mayo Clinic is...if I never have to set foot in that hospital again, it will be too soon. The best memory of that place is climbing into the front seat of the ambulance that took us to the airfield where a leer jet from Airlift Northwest was waiting to fly us home.